New Location!

December 29, 2007

Moving TruckI just wanted to let everyone know that I am moving this blog to a different location. You can now read the blog at

I wanted to change the theme and have more control over how the page looks. All of my previous posts are there, including the pictures of the dogs (and, for some reason, pictures of me as well.) Oh, You’ll need to update your bookmarks and RSS Feeds too.

…but then, you already knew that didn’t you? Thanks for Reading!


Patty and I spent Christmas Eve over at my Mom’s place. The whole family was there and we had a great time. It’s a wonderful opportunity to catch up on all the latest family news while enjoying both kinds of nog: egg and beef. Of course, a few family members wanted to know what I’ve been up to, so I tell them about this blog.

Have you ever tried explaining blogging to your non-techie family members? They look at you like you’re nuts…even when you’re NOT stuffing your face full of day-old brisket. I love the responses I get:

  • “How do they let you do that?” (“they?”)
  • “It sounds expensive.” (“Yes. Yes it is.”)
  • “How could you be a writer? You’re an [Accountant, Attorney, Idiot, etc.]”
  • “What do you write about?”

OK, the last question is legitimate: “What do you write about?” I ponder the question while I grab another cup of holiday fish. “Well, I write about, ah…er, uh, well, I wrote about how there’s no such thing as Orange Pie, even though there is. Um, I wrote about the time Bear & I killed a squirrel in the front yard, or how I’m a freak who never played Monopoly. I think several of the stories involve pet vomit…” As I trail off and look around the room at the blank stares, I wonder why I’m the one in the hot-seat, while Uncle Elwin, the “professional ventriloquist” with the Grover Cleveland-mustache gets a pass. What a rip! Luckily, I had the presence of mind to succinctly explain that blogging is simply a creative outlet that doesn’t frighten my loved ones…unlike being a musician. Plus, I get to swear repeatedly, just like that one time at Godfather’s Pizza.

My mom quickly caught on. “So, you’re like a newspaper columnist?” she asked. “Well, if you’re implying that I’m an irrelevant hack, then yes, I’m exactly like a newspaper columnist,” I replied. I added that there are literally thousands of blogs out there that she might enjoy, but she replied that she really doesn’t want to bother anyone.

Um, OK.

Anyway, Patty & I, plus Indie & Bear (and to a lesser extent, the cats) hope the two of you who are reading this had a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and an Awesomely Awesome Boxing Day. Peace!

Well, That Was Close

December 20, 2007

Camera I bought Patty a new camera online for Christmas. One of those Canon Digital SLR jobbies (not pictured.) I have a little savings account that I use just for music gear and other crap that I just GOTTA have, but I wanted to get Patty something really nice. Now, you have to understand that Patty never teases me about my interests or how much these interests can cost. Conversely, she has been so busy that she hasn’t been able to really pursue her hobbies and interests lately. I knew that she had been researching cameras and had expressed interest in buying one after Christmas, so I figured I would surprise her on Christmas Eve with the Canon. (Unlike last year when I surprised her with Cannon, Mr. William Conrad)

William Conrad

Unfortunately, things got a little dodgy when Patty found a great deal on a Nikon camera online, but she needed to order it by December 19 in order to get the free shipping. I had to think fast, since I didn’t want her to order the camera, then possibly go through the hassle of returning it if she liked my gift better. Unfortunately, I’m apparently not very good at thinking fast, because my gentle suggestions that she wait kinda backfired and made me look like a controlling jerk of Archie Bunker proportions:

When I suggested she maybe do a little more research, she replied that she’s been researching for close to a year. “Oh,” I replied, “I didn’t know that.”
I then speculated that she might find a better deal after Christmas, since she likes saving money. She reiterated that this is the best deal she’s found and she is comfortable with it. She also pointed out that I’ve been known to buy keyboards simply because they smell nice.

“Well,” I replied, “some of them do.” (Swish!)

For some reason, I kept talking. “I’d still kinda like to see more about it first.” (Please understand, I never never NEVER would have said this, had I not already had a camera for her.) Nevertheless, this is about the time where things went a little out of my control.

“Wait a minute,” she replied. “Why do YOU need to “see” it first? I never need to “see” your purchases ahead of time.” (A good point, but again, I already had a camera for her!)

“Well, that’s different,” I replied. (Like that answered anything!)

“How it that different?” She glared. (Can you picture me sinking fast? Can you??)

Just a time-out; I knew that anything I could say at this point would make me look like THE most controlling, patronizing, micro-managing, Lumbergh of a husband you can imagine. Ignoring this, I stupidly blurted out, “I think I read somewhere that women don’t like ‘outside interests.'”

…(tumbleweeds blowing by)

…”I’mSorryWhatDidYouJustSay?” she asked with those fiercely intelligent eyes boring holes in me.

At this point, I decided Christmas will be coming early this year. Hell, I would have tossed the camera to her at that moment, if I hadn’t so damn cleverly had it delivered to my Mom’s house across town. Luckily, I had already planned to pick up the camera the next day, then give it to her on Christmas Eve. Only now, I would definitely be giving her the camera as early as humanly freaking possible so that I’m just a jerk for one day, rather than five.

I was able to stall Patty by asking if we could “buy the camera online tomorrow night…together!” (Yeah, I really said that.) I was sure she would call me out on such a lame request…as well as that dumbass “outside interests” crack. Surprisingly, she agreed, although I wouldn’t have blamed her if she got up the next morning and bought the camera just to shut me up.

Well, luckily the story had a happy ending. I gave Patty her very hurriedly-wrapped gift and she suddenly she realized why I was acting so strangely the previous couple of days. She loves the camera and we hope to have plenty of new photos posted soon. As usual, I apologize for any pictures of me; just assume I’m fighting a cold, or something.

I’m also guessing that a few of them will involve dogs. Merry Christmas!

Bunly Goodness

December 18, 2007

IndieI know it’s the Holiday season and both of the people who read this blog are very busy, so I’ll be quick; Indie eats everything in sight and Patty baked buns on Sunday. Have a great Christmas! Enjoy your shopping!

All right, here’s the lengthier and slightly more disgusting version: This past Sunday was by all accounts a very nice day. Patty and I were going to her family’s annual Christmas party later that evening, so she didn’t need me underfoot while she was baking homemade buns in the kitchen. The whole house was filled with the pleasant aroma of bunly goodness as two-dozen buns sat on cooling racks on the kitchen counter. At one point, Patty stated she needed to run to the store to get more yeast, so could I please clean up the cat-vomit under the piano. The request came as a bit of a surprise, as I didn’t know there was cat-vomit under the piano, but then again, it was a Sunday.

No problem, I figured. I grabbed our portable carpet cleaner and started cleaning just as Patty was backing out of the driveway on her way to the local yeast market. Our dogs, Indie & Bear were crowding around, watching intently because, hey, cat-vomit. I quickly finished up and ran downstairs to empty and clean the tank on the cleaner. In hindsight, I should have noticed that neither of the dogs followed me downstairs like they usually do. No more than five minutes passed before I heard a crash from upstairs…and not the good kind of crash one usually associates with a presumably unoccupied kitchen. Assuming the worst, I ran upstairs. I gotta be honest here, I already knew what happened before I reached the kitchen, but I was still surprised; Indie had eaten all 24 of the buns Patty had baked that morning, probably BEFORE I heard the crash. (Just a side note: I’ve muttered the phrase, “Oh God, my wife is gonna kill me,” so many times that it has lost all meaning.)

Patty arrived home a few minutes later and just rolled her eyes about our piggish piggish poochie, who was currently on a time-out. Patty remarked that I’d immediately need to make Indie vomit or she could get sick, so I ran to get some beers and Jagermeister and put on some Foghat. Luckily, Patty suggested that Hydrogen Peroxide might work better. I put Indie on her leash and brought her to the side of the house. I won’t be too graphic here, so I’ll just say that it only took 2 squirts of hydrogen peroxide and ten minutes before the buns made their puketacular reappearance, although I’m sure the neighbors walking by wish their timing had been better. (I think I heard, “Don’t look, Angela.”)

Indie was fine after her production of “Doggie-Exorcist” and Patty made more buns for the party (although, I just stuck with the chicken wings, thank you.) I also learned a valuable lesson; being a parent, even a “dog-parent,” requires constant vigilance. I will never leave my hypothetical future-baby alone for even a minute.

Of course, if the baby can scarf down 24 buns in five minutes, I’m getting the hell out of the house.


December 6, 2007

I turned 37 last Friday. (And yes, I DID get the ham you sent, thank you.) It feels OK. I mean, I’ve never been 37 before, so I’m not sure what it’s supposed to feel like. I actually thought I’d be taller. To tell you the truth, when I was a kid, I could never really visualize my life after age 30. I probably figured I’d be killed in a hover-car accident at a Millennial Celebration. I consider myself lucky in that I’ve always been comfortable with my age, no matter what it is. OK, like most people, I did feel awkward as a teenager. Here, take a look:

Chris With Hair

but I’ve never felt like, “well, I’m getting older. Better learn how escrow works.” The only slightly weird thing is, I am the same age as my dad when I was born. (OK, now I feel a little old!)

It’s different for me, though. Mom & Dad had two kids before me, whereas Patty & I have two neurotic cats and two dogs that like to eat dental floss if given the opportunity. Unlike my dad at 37, I’m probably several years away from telling a child, “Hey don’t touch that!” and “Hey, that’s a felony!” (can’t wait, though.)

Unfortunately, dad died before he got to see what a fine, upstanding citizen I’ve become. (Seriously, I’m standing while writing this.) I learned a lot from him in the 18 too-short years I knew him: Always be nice to women, Always work hard at something you love, and treat people the way you’d like to be treated (although, I think he stole that last one.) Hopefully, I can live up to that.

I actually took the day off on my birthday. I don’t know why I never thought of doing that before, but trust me, it’s the only way to go. Patty & I spent the whole day together, I did some recording, and of course, cake was involved. And not just any cake, Patty made a perfect German Chocolate cake with a coconut-frostingy-type frosting thing. I think it was frosting. Oh, she also got me the new “Futurama” movie, which by the way was freakin’ awesome! I’ll bet the geeks at Best Buy were intrigued by the woman buying a “Futurama” DVD. Back off, Poindexter; she’s already got a geek!

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Dr. John

November 24, 2007

Dr. JohnPatty & I went to see Dr. John at The Dakota in Minneapolis this past Tuesday. It was incredible. Some of you may not know who he is, but he is a phenomenally important musician. He’s best known for songs like “Right Place, Wrong Time,” and “Such a Night.” Seriously, go read his Wikipedia article right now. I’ll wait…really. Read the rest of this entry »

To Do

November 18, 2007

To DoSo, I have a day off today and I have a lot of stuff to do. Those know-it-all “Organize Your Life” people on the Internet suggest making a list, apparently to suck the spontaneity out of the whole “life experience” thing. Anyway, here’s what I have for today: Read the rest of this entry »